felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I would fuck him just for his dog
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
