I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You are a genius and a whore.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
