That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize