Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
