I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize