Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
