Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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