i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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