At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
He passed out mid-signature
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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