So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
