Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
3pm strippers are depressing
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
