I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
the day after is always just damage control
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
