I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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