please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
my shit smells like andre
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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