I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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