you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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