I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
