That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
