I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
