I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Success! We fucked roommates!
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
