I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
