There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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