I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
