I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize