tonight lets celebrate not being married
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
