I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
