You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
