the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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