She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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