the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Is it because I queefed?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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