The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
