you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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