The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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