You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
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