Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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