hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
