you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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