masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
