I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
