It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
