you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
