if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
