my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
