Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
If I die, sorry about rent.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
