Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
