apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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