You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize