Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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