It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
