I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize