everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Randomize
