Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
