She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize