I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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