Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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