so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Randomize
