Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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