You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
