pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
