I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
