I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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