I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize