tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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